Those days where they feel that something just has to be wrong, or is wrong. Whether they feel that way because they over-analyze things, read too deeply into things, are tired, or don't understand the situation it does happen to most of us.
This hasn't happened to me in awhile, in fact, it's been months. For some reason, though, today was that day for me.
You could say I have a lot on my mind:
- School
- Work
- My Girls
- My Family
- Church
- Meeting With My Bishop
- Scott
- Friends
- Missionaries
- Writing
- Choir
- The Future
- Exercise Habits
I've found myself with more backaches than usual and my neck and shoulders are tense. I suppose it's due to stress and sleeping habits. I'm pretty confident in that, actually. I mean, I don't particularly feel stressed as I go through each day; nighttime is when it hits me. When I come in from saying "Goodnight" and have that hour or so before I go to bed. That's when my brain starts turning, or my stress surfaces. I know that I need to start running. I need to. It's my release. I could swim too. Either way, I know that if I don't start being more conscious about my health and exercise, things will become hectic.
School and work aren't too bad, but I mean...it's school and work. I am good with studying and I understand the concepts my professors teach, but my test anxiety gets me every time. Reading can give me a headache and three of my classes have a lot of reading every day.
My girls are awesome. Truly and simply. I love them all to death...but it's hard. I mean, I can just see who's hiding behind a mask and who is really truly being themselves. It's hard to connect with some of the girls. I know them all personally, but some just aren't willing to come out of their comfort zone. It doesn't help that I don't know if I am going to be working next semester or not and some of the girls have asked me if I am staying or not. I want to be there, but at the same time, I don't think it's the best idea in some ways and there's just so much to break down and figure out in school and family and life.
My family means the world to me and this year has definitely been a little different while I've been out at school. I miss Kara and Alex. I don't even know the next time I'll get to see them. They don't think they can come up for my birthday and Thanksgiving and now they don't think they can come up for Christmas either. I worry about my dad. I want him to be healthier and exercise more; like he needs to. He doesn't and it scares me. He has lost weight, which is awesome. I just hope that he can keep doing that and get to a healthier stage than he is at now. My mom I worry about sometimes too. I sometimes think she's not as secure and confident about things that she used to be...and I don't know how to help her.
Church. My poor bishop hardly knows who I am. I've been to my ward 3 or 4 times...maybe? I haven't had a personal interview with him yet and I need to talk to him about renewing my Temple Recommend. It's hard to be in a freshman ward and to be frank, I feel a little weird about one of the other RA's in my ward. I don't know what FHE group I am in and I just am not connected with my ward.
Scott. Well Scott is simply wonderful. Let's be honest here. I just kind of think about him. One thing, with my relationship with Scott being pretty serious, my mom is constantly questioning and asking all about it; every.single.detail. It can become stressful and there have been times where I have needed to call Kara and just cry and vent and ask what to do. I don't doubt anything about the relationship, but these questions and consistent asking...they're deep and intense and I make up stories and then think the, "What if..." situations and thoooose are painful. Optimistically, I see him everyday and he simply lights up what had been bothering me. My life is infinitely better and I am happier with him in my life; he is my best friend. I love him, simply that.
Missionaries. I will tie this with writing. I have Daniel, Ben, Spencer. Three of my closest friends all out serving right now. Not including Jason and Samuel who send e-mails and letters to my family as a whole and also not including my cousins; Jared, Tim and Brandon. All of these guys have been some of my best and closest friends. Daniel, well he is brother. I miss him too much for words. Ben, I feel horrible because I've been busy and distracted and haven't written him yet and he's been out for two months now, possibly more. I just got a letter from Spencer and it's been left at an awkward stance. I mean. Yeah. I haven't heard from Jason or Sam in awhile and nor have I heard from my cousins either. Which is also hard. Jared, Tim and Brandon...we are the best of friends. Every family gathering, Jared, Brandon and I would spend doing something crazy or talking about something insanely awesome. Jared is my best friend. I got to be really close to Tim while he was out here at BYU for school before his mission and Brandon is the same. While Jared and Brandon are brothers, Brandon is definitely more quiet. But last year, we were in the same freshman ward and got to see a lot of each other and it made our relationship even stronger. I'm as consistent in writing them, my best friends and family, as I am about writing in my journal lately. *eye roll* I used to be really good about it and got in a great habit, but I've been lacking as of late and I hate it. I just need to bring my journal around with me. Actually, I write at least once a week during sacrament meeting, but it's not as much writing as I would like. I just need a small journal to carry around with me.
Choir has been pretty crazy. It's harder to go to class because it's the last class of the day for me and I have long breaks before it. I absolutely love the girls that are around me, I love the songs, but the fact that so much is running through my head everyday is seriously a killer. There are days where choir absolutely makes my day and it's exactly what I needed...but there are other days where going to choir seems to make things worse.
My future...the way this next year is laying out is like, all over the place. I'm the kind of person who just...well, I just kind of have a need-to-know thing. I like to know what's going on, what people are thinking, feeling, experiencing. I like to know what I've got planned and how things lay out for my day, week, month...I'm just an organized sort of person. I don't ask to annoy or pry into lives, I ask simply because I am genuinely interested and I genuinely want to know what's going on. I'm not afraid to answer questions people ask me and I am always open for whatever questions they feel. However, all of this applies to people of whom I deeply and seriously trust. I'm not crazy enough to just straight-up ask someone who I barely know something personal. In a situation as such, I am just fine with a, "Well hey! How was your day?" "Oh it was good, thank you." End of story...they're having a good day and I am glad for them. Anyway, that was a bit of a random tangent. Besides that, I just don't know what's going to happen, when things will happen, what to expect, and it's like...kind of crazy. I am going to try and keep these sort of questioning habits to myself...I hate the feeling of being a nagger and annoying and I tend to feel that I am that way...
Exercise. Again...I just need to run. It's just been way too long. I don't feel good about myself, I don't feel healthy. I am worrying that I'm gaining weight and I feel like I don't look healthy. My asthma is bothering me, and my sleeping (as well as being able to properly breathe while I sleep) is off. Someone who has been highly, highly active her whole life, can't just stop. It's not doing my body good and I know that if I start to run and exercise again, my stress will significantly drop and I will feel better about my health and self.
Everyone has those day...those days like today; where something just doesn't feel quite right and it tugs and tugs at you all day.
Today was my day, and on the days like today, I do doubt. No one can see it, but I feel it in everything.
But the day is past and a new one is coming. I hope that my new day, will bring new feelings and that I can feel more optimistic and confident in everything.
Through days like today...I just keep my head up and Keep Moving Forward
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