Endure the Unknown

Whenever I have asked Scott for a blessing, recently I have been told that I will "be challenged with trials [I] will not understand." I have been given this insight in my three most recent blessings, spaced out between about 6 months. 

When we found out we were pregnant back in September we were thrilled, only to be very quickly shot down a week later when I hemorrhaged (see Round Two: the Pain and Joy post).  Since that experience, I have been on edge with every little pain and problem with this pregnancy.  I'm also more nervous about the delivery this time because group B strep was found during testing at my first OB appointment.  Group B strep can cause complications (stillborn) at birth if not handled appropriately.  The further we get into this pregnancy, the more I believe this is one of my trials.  I am a person that needs to know everything all the time.  I don't like being surprised by things and I don't like not knowing everything is going to be ok.  I plan things so far out in advance so I can make sure everything is in order.  When pregnant with Melia, I had a hospital bag packed and ready at 28 weeks and a list of all the things we needed to get done still.  Falling right into place with that, this weekend Scott has agreed to make a similar list and other preparations for baby sister.  So you can imagine that having all these unknowns happen during this pregnancy has totally drained me.  But I just keep telling myself that everything will be right in the end and we will bring home a beautiful, strong, healthy daughter.

Today, I experienced a new unknown for this pregnancy.  I spent the entire morning in the hospital because I hadn't felt much movement in 24 hours and no movement in 12 hours.  After a brief panic attack after I called my nurse to explain what was going on, they told me they set up an appointment at the hospital for me to go get checked out.  Scott had been up to date with what was happening and I called him to tell him I was headed to the hospital.  My mom, despite her mother going into surgery in an hour, graciously told me to leave Melia at home and just go.  When Scott and I got to the hospital, they found baby girl was moving and healthy.  Her heartbeat is strong and they kept saying, "This all looks great for a 26 weeker."  We also found out that our girly is breech and her head is resting between my placenta and what the doctor thought to be another portion of my placenta on the opposite side of my uterine wall.  I am 26 weeks and 4 days along.  I asked a couple times if baby girl has time and room to move into the correct position and both times I was told she does.  The doctor explained that babies often "settle" into their final position around 30 weeks.  So with that information, she has a little over three weeks to move before we talk about alternative options for delivery.  Just the other week, a friend of mine told me that when she had her baby boy, he was also breech, and instead of opting for a c-section, she had her OB flip him right before she started pushing.  Since I have an extensive list of surgeries and I know I don't recover well, I am really hoping that if she does not turn on her own, my OB is open to the idea of flipping her during labor.  At the very end of the appointment, I was told that I will not be able to feel her move until she flips because her movements are pushing against my placenta.  The doctor told me that it was a good thing I came in and she understood why I did (it's always nice to be justified by your doctors for coming into the hospital).  The way baby girl is positioned does not allow for me to feel her moving.  The doctor gave me some tips on how and where to feel movements and told me that when I do feel her, it won't be strong unless she flips.  I have prayed so hard in the last 8 hours for her to move to the correct position.  It was kind of scary to see how she was resting in there because it is really tight all around her.  

Scott has often told me, when I've worried with this pregnancy, that there is something to learn from it all.  I cling to our due date with hope and faith, and pray every day that baby girl will be OK.  I have learned to trust my gut more with this entire pregnancy experience.  This whole thing scares the heck out of me.  I am so emotionally drained and I feel like with every month, a new problem arises.  This girl is a fighter and she has already made me so much stronger.  Knowing that I will need to be induced gives me a little bit of hope and light.  My OB told me after my hemorrhage that she wanted to do an ultrasound in my third trimester to make sure growth is on track and that the placenta is healthy.  (Checking the placenta is comforting to me because when I delivered Melia, there were big parts of it that were gray and dead from my pre-ecclampsia).  Now that we know that baby girl is breech, I have more hope that I will have some extra ultrasounds to check on her position as delivery comes closer.    

"Wonderful, glorious things are in store for you, if only you will believe, obey and endure."  We pray for a healthy pregnancy and that baby sister will continue to grow strong and healthy.  Melia prays for her too; she has such a strong connection to her baby sister already it makes us so excited to see how she is when baby sister comes home.  I pray for the strength to endure the unknowns of pregnancy and I do believe that God has given me this trial to learn and grow.  Through our trials, through the unknowns, through our perseverance and endurance, we Keep Moving Forward